i swore i'd never fall again
by hollyhobbit101
Summary: Cas counts the hours until he can find Sam and Dean again. Tag to 12x08, LOTUS


**A/N: As promised, here is Cas's! For anyone who doesn't know, I'm doing a tag to Lotus for each member of TFW. Sam's is already up on my profile under the name 'your mind is not your own'. Dean's is in progress. Some dialogue was taken from the show**

* * *

 _2 hours_

Castiel held his head in his hands and sighed in frustration. Sam and Dean were supposed to meet him and Kelly at the café and now he had gone and let her go. Not only that, but they were hours late and it was preying on Cas's mind; he tried to reassure himself that they were fine but he couldn't shake the feeling that something had gone terribly wrong. Cas winced as the voices coming over angel radio spiked in pitch and gritted his teeth until they faded into the background again. The other angels were angry; they knew what had happened and they blamed Castiel for letting the child slip out of his grip. At least, that was what little he could glean between the noise of thousands of his siblings layered over one another.

Suddenly another voice entered his head, this one much clearer and familiar. Cas breathed a sigh of relief and listened intently.

 _Cas? Cas, buddy, you there? Alright, here goes nothing I guess. After you left... Things didn't quite go to plan. Me and Sam aren't coming back._

Cas froze in his seat. He knew he should have stayed. Kelly could have gotten out with Crowley and Rowena; why didn't he think of that? Sam and Dean were in trouble and it was his fault again-

 _I know what you're thinking, but it's not your fault._ Dean's voice cut sharply through Cas's thoughts. It was almost like Dean was stood next to him, or could somehow read his mind, the way he knew instinctively what Cas was thinking. Cas allowed himself a small smile and relaxed slightly.

 _We should have gotten out of there quicker but we had to make sure Lucifer was really gone._ Dean sighed, or, at least, that was what Cas imagined him doing in the pause that followed. _I'm still not sure we did it, Cas. I want to, but I can't help but think it was too easy. Doesn't matter anyway, not anymore. We've got a bigger problem on our hands. The FBI found Sam and I with the President and they apparently thought we were trying to kill him. They've got us locked up in some secret supermax but I don't know where. Sorry buddy. I... I'm not sure if we're going to be able to get ourselves out of this one. Do what you can, and we'll do what we can, but I don't blame you if you can't do it. I'll, um... I'll be in touch._

Cas felt Dean's presence vanish and he was left in silence again. The voices over angel radio were muted somehow and the quiet was deafening. He exhaled a long breath and looked around the empty diner. Never, not in over two millennia, had he felt so alone.

* * *

 _3 days_

Cas had been searching nonstop but so far he had just run into dead ends and false leads. He cursed himself for branding the boys with the Enochian warding; however useful it had been at the time, it was proving to be just as much of a nuisance now. He hadn't stopped to rest, or eat and, although angels needed neither sleep nor food, he was feeling decidedly empty. The Bunker had never felt so quiet and Cas felt like he was trespassing as he roamed the familiar halls in his search for information.

Once, when he was feeling particularly lonely, he had wandered into Dean's room. It looked exactly as he had left it 3 days ago (was it really only three days?) before they had left to trap Lucifer. Guns carefully arranged on the wall, bin overflowing, bedsheets rumpled. The place was so familiar, so _Dean_ , that it pained Cas to look at, and he had turned abruptly round, all but slamming the door closed.

* * *

 _2 weeks_

All lights were off in the library as Cas stumbled back in. He fumbled with one before giving up and slumping into a chair, content with being in the darkness. His head was pounding and he knew he'd have a monster of a hangover in the morning but he couldn't find it in himself to care. He started to laugh drunkenly as he remembered a conversation from seven years ago.

 _"What the hell happened to you?"_

 _"I found a liquor store."_

 _"And?"_

 _"And I drank it."_

Cas felt almost no regret in having raided and almost destroyed the Bunkers alcohol supply, only that there would be none left for him later. It wasn't as if there was anyone else around to drink it.

* * *

 _1 month_

Cas was starting to lose hope. Dean's prayers were becoming less and less frequent and he hadn't heard from Sam at all. What little Dean had said tore Cas apart because he could hear the pain in his friend's voice and he hated how there was nothing he could do to stop it.

* * *

 _5 weeks, 4 days_

 _Hey Cas. They're putting us on trial. Could be facing the death penalty. Sorry buddy._

* * *

 _6 weeks, 2 days_

Mary came back to the Bunker that day. Cas opened the door and almost broke down after taking one look at her smiling, hopeful face.

"Are the boys home?"

Cas looked down at his shoes. "You'd best come in."

He heard Mary's quiet tread following him as he made his way to the library and eased himself into one of the chairs and indicated to Mary to do the same. He poured himself a fresh shot of whiskey from the bottle on the table and turned to face her, noting her concerned frown.

"Castiel? What's going on?"

"Sam and Dean... They've been arrested."

"What?"

"Lucifer had found a new vessel in the President. We found a way to exorcise him but Sam and Dean were captured and taken to a secret facility under the suspicion of attempted murder."

There was a moment of silence as Mary digested the information. Cas sighed and took a gulp of his drink. It burned on the way down but he had become oddly used to it over the long weeks of solitude.

"How long have they been gone?"

Cas checked his watch. "Six weeks, two days and ten hours."

Mary covered her mouth with her hand and sat back in her seat. After a few minutes Cas felt a slight pressure on his arm and looked down in confusion to see Mary's hand resting on it.

"We'll find them Castiel. You and me," she promised.

Cas hoped she was right.

* * *

 **A/N: Hope you guys liked that! I don't know about you, but I'm excited for the Cas-Mary team-up we're getting. Why can't January 26th come faster? If you have a moment, please leave a review. Bye!**


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